So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
