Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
