I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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