Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
