You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
