I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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