are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Someone shit on the floor
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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