Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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