I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you would pick up someone in the library
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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