I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
