Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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