Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
