Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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