i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
