what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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