Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
