I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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