I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
