Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
