Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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