Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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