His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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