Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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