so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
