Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
