on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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