The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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