rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
