i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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