i wish there were pregnant emoticons
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
