I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
