My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He did a backflip because drugs
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