They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
