ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
