I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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