i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
