Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my being single is dangerous.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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