i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Barsexuality is the new black.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
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i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We have started to decorate penises.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in