omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
