sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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