Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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