I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
