Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
