hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
