The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
