bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
