maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you didnt know i had herpes?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
