I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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