the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You are the jesus of drinking
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
