Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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