remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
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If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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