today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
