I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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