i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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