wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
