You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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