: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
